New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
