I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
