they need to just BURY HIM!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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