i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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