I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
