you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
