nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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