just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
