my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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