Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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