So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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