she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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