i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
