its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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