That's when you crack a 10am beer
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
