I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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