The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
