the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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