The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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