So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
