I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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