ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
