Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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