Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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