I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
