I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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