I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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