your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just had sex bonerless
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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