i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
