Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
