I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
