i need an iv and a liver transplant
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
