You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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