True but thats because hes a fetus.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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