Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
