I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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