thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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