The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i wish my penis had a tongue
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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