This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
