Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How's work?
Spinning.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
