He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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