i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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