When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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