Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
