My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
