I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
