I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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