Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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