ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
