ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
