If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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