Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
