So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
