my mouth tastes like poor choices
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
