two words...techno handjob
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
