Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
