I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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