I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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