i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
